I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
17 Exes Admit Why They Were Crazy In Their Past Relationship
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
These 25 Teachers Said Horrible Things to Their Students
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.