My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
A chick at the bar last night took my black berry, looked at my Brick Breaker score and told me she couldnt take someone that has a lower score than her seriously.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.