I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
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