I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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