my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
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