My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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