and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
