Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
