My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
So much rum. So many feels.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
