If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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