It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
