I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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