Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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