I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
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