New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I was not drunk enough for that final.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
