I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
I'm figuring, since someone shoved pizza crust in my ear last night, there might be some leftover pizza.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
