I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
Who would we be if we didn't go out to drink during finals week? NOBODY
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
