yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
Randomize
