I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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