she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
