Well douche your snatch and let's go!
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
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This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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