I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
