Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
We need a shit load of segways right now
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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