you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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