It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
