They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Randomize
