Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
Randomize
