haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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