You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
