why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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