oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
