I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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