It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
