I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
