meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
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