Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
she's not even a shacker, she never made it inside. she's just a porch girl
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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