I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
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