no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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