I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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