I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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