If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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