doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
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