i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
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Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize