watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
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