You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Randomize
