I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Would you mind pretending to be lesbians just for like three emails?
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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