Today in class was pretty awsome. I dont feel like i have to throw up and im actually paying attention. This is a first for friday
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
