How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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