I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
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