well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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