I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Randomize
