and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Pizza toast. It's like pizza but on toast. BC we are broke. OMG its so good.
You would never do this sober.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Randomize
