i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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