I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I think my moral compass just broke
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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