Have you finally orgasmed yet?
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I made him laugh his dick is mine
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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