just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
