I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
It was amazing what she could do with her one good arm.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
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