I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Join us. We're on the roof drinking breakfast
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
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